A Modest Proposal

There is a problem in our country, one that is long overdue for legislative action. This equipment that is available to the general public rather than being restricted to police, military, and government use, is responsible for countless gruesome deaths of innocent civilians, including children. These powerful and high-capacity pieces of hardware have no rational place on our streets or in our modern, enlightened society.

I speak, course, of sports cars and powerful, military-style vehicles.

These “assault autos” cause a seemingly endless rampage of death and destruction on our highways and in our towns, capable of destroying anything they hit and powerful enough to break speed limits with ease. There is no reason why any logical person, one not likely to use their assault auto to plow through a school zone or as a high speed getaway vehicle, should need anything so dangerous. All a person needs to get to work safely on our streets is a small, 2-cylinder compact car that can do little to no damage in an accident and cannot possibly exceed the posted speed limit or escape a police interceptor or military humvee. Why would anyone ever need to drive as fast or carry the same load as a policeman or soldier?

Our founders, when framing the Constitution, could not possibly have envisioned the insane speeds that modern cars can achieve. Therefore they must not have taken advancing technology into account when describing our natural freedoms and specifically mentioned rights. They couldn’t possibly have been that smart.

Never mind that criminals will gain access to and use assault autos of their own, regardless of the law, in the commission of their crimes. We don’t need to shoulder the weighty responsibility of protecting ourselves and others, we have the police just a phone call and a few minutes away. They can protect us all from the criminals, and the government will forever and always have our best interests at heart!

Let us surrender our fears and responsibilities to our eternally benevolent and infallible government! So that we can concentrate on the important things, on our bread and circuses.