There is a problem in our country, one that is
long overdue for legislative action. This equipment that is available
to the general public rather than being restricted to police, military,
and government use, is responsible for countless gruesome deaths of
innocent civilians, including children. These powerful and
high-capacity pieces of hardware have no rational place on our streets
or in our modern, enlightened society.
I speak, course, of sports cars and powerful, military-style vehicles.
These “assault autos” cause a seemingly endless rampage of death and
destruction on our highways and in our towns, capable of destroying
anything they hit and powerful enough to break speed limits with ease.
There is no reason why any logical person, one not likely to use their
assault auto to plow through a school zone or as a high speed getaway
vehicle, should need anything so dangerous. All a person needs to get
to work safely on our streets is a small, 2-cylinder compact car that
can do little to no damage in an accident and cannot possibly exceed the
posted speed limit or escape a police interceptor or military humvee.
Why would anyone ever need to drive as fast or carry the same load as a
policeman or soldier?
Our founders, when framing the
Constitution, could not possibly have envisioned the insane speeds that
modern cars can achieve. Therefore they must not have taken advancing
technology into account when describing our natural freedoms and
specifically mentioned rights. They couldn’t possibly have been that
smart.
Never mind that criminals will gain access to and use
assault autos of their own, regardless of the law, in the commission of
their crimes. We don’t need to shoulder the weighty responsibility of
protecting ourselves and others, we have the police just a phone call
and a few minutes away. They can protect us all from the criminals, and
the government will forever and always have our best interests at
heart!
Let us surrender our fears and responsibilities to our
eternally benevolent and infallible government! So that we can
concentrate on the important things, on our bread and circuses.
